After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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