I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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