Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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