Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
