Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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