i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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