Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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