Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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