He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
