My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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