At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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