I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
that is very illegal...i love you.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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