There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
