I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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