someone threw a dead crab at me
my phone needs a breathalizer
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
is this the sara with the beer cane?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
