My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
