You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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