I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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