i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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