They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
