I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
