I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
