I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
