hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
