____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
