i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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