wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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