Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
