Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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