overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
