So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
