Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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