You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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