Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
