I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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