My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
