I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
