I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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