If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
