Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
