i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
