dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
