I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
