he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
