He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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