Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
