May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize