covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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