I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
