dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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