i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
