this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
