Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
