how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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