i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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