This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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