Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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