I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
