Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
