Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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