kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
