why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize