So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize