He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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