3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize