Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I stole a fireplace last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So much rum. So many feels.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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