DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize