Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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